hey doc, I promised something to you, and altought I know you like to be surprised, I'll just feed you with the promised candy. I also do it for the therapy, I'd better clean this up right now, or somebody could get hurt, especially me. So what do I do to myself when I am in those dark edgy moods, what supplices do I inflict myself with, to what shivering extremes am I led??... I am affraid that will be deceiving, because I don't hurt myself. I'd maybe have a thrill by doing it, for sure I'd have a thrill, a more intense life, and most of all it would be romantic. But I don't do it doc, and you know I never lie. I barely think about it. Maybe I am lazy, maybe I am weak, or not extreme enough, with no sensibility, but I don't. (I am tiny, so so tiny, I am always about to break, I can hardly walk straightly, talk without shivering, oh god I am so tiny, and I like to look at this fragile piece of body like something really pathetic, like a cartoonish stick-character in the wind. You should see me when I am in the wind, I am like a doomed dead leaf, carried like a dead body by the will of the wind. And I always must look drunk or stoned, 'cause I can't walk straight on the line. But that is curving away from the main issue...) Hurting myself is too much trouble. I think the problem is that you start from zero, and you have to get to the point of injury. And also, I am affraid of opening my veins, really, it may get out of control, I don't know how do to it, maybe becauce I never dare to do it, I see all my veins exploding, and something is holding me back. But the main thing is that when you start from a perfect healthy body, it's hard to get you going. I would have to have a small curse and then I could widden it. But even then... what's the matter with me?? why do I keep from hurting myself? that would surely make my life better. And why do I keep from ending myself? Because that wouldn't make my life better. See, I can still see openings of hope... I wish my veins had those kind of openings.