hi,

I want to talk to you about someone very special. He's a character in a novel, and I don't remember his name. That man is pissed of by today's world. But he's not just grumbling, and he's not a "anywhere but here" kind of man. He thinks the whole age has gone wrong. He likes to live in past ages phantasm where religious beliefs led to crazy rituals, not like killing for God, but mostly like celebrating the mass on a woman's abdomen. Everybody pulls up their hair in ecstasy, there is people inflicting stigmatas to themselves, it's like a big voodoo trance. That has been lost, now we live in a middle-class world where nothing has value except material progress and security. He is looking for doors, doors that would open the way to his past ages phantasms. That man as a rich vision of the world. Everything is so clean and organized, he has long structured opinions on everything, and he always seems right. He has made the world's synthesis, he's sure that today is a crappy decadence. He manages to live in his toughts, he has a rich artistic background. He could lead you into a famous painter work and make you see it for the first time by showing you its metaphorical undercover, all the sublte loans that the artist has taken from his predecessors, and he could tell you what is very special about that work, what really amazes him, and he will make it seem so obvious that you'll feel like a poor spirit. That must be the brightest man, the man who builds a perfect kingdom in his mind.

hey doc, I promised something to you, and altought I know you like to be surprised, I'll just feed you with the promised candy. I also do it for the therapy, I'd better clean this up right now, or somebody could get hurt, especially me. So what do I do to myself when I am in those dark edgy moods, what supplices do I inflict myself with, to what shivering extremes am I led??... I am affraid that will be deceiving, because I don't hurt myself. I'd maybe have a thrill by doing it, for sure I'd have a thrill, a more intense life, and most of all it would be romantic. But I don't do it doc, and you know I never lie. I barely think about it. Maybe I am lazy, maybe I am weak, or not extreme enough, with no sensibility, but I don't. (I am tiny, so so tiny, I am always about to break, I can hardly walk straightly, talk without shivering, oh god I am so tiny, and I like to look at this fragile piece of body like something really pathetic, like a cartoonish stick-character in the wind. You should see me when I am in the wind, I am like a doomed dead leaf, carried like a dead body by the will of the wind. And I always must look drunk or stoned, 'cause I can't walk straight on the line. But that is curving away from the main issue...) Hurting myself is too much trouble. I think the problem is that you start from zero, and you have to get to the point of injury. And also, I am affraid of opening my veins, really, it may get out of control, I don't know how do to it, maybe becauce I never dare to do it, I see all my veins exploding, and something is holding me back. But the main thing is that when you start from a perfect healthy body, it's hard to get you going. I would have to have a small curse and then I could widden it. But even then... what's the matter with me?? why do I keep from hurting myself? that would surely make my life better. And why do I keep from ending myself? Because that wouldn't make my life better. See, I can still see openings of hope... I wish my veins had those kind of openings.