Construction human again. Why do I always feel like there is a need for a new beginning, while being stucked with the idea that this is impossible, and feeling like this is that last idea that is keeping me away from starting everything all over again... I feel stuck with ideas, stuck with damn old ideas, vision, that get the chance to "live me" because I am not always aware of them. I cannot believe how deep you make me sleep... I want to believe that something in my conscience is stronger than you... god, I am all fucked up.... I know I am life, so that I am full of movements, full of things that I dont know. Knowing something doesn't mean that you stick to the thing: no, knowing is fantasying. So I am all fucked up... `cause I feel like everything I know is wrong, meaning that it is a product of my imagination, far from objectivism. Maybe I should not care about those times when I sleep, when everything goes like afterthen I would destroyed myself: "Why? why do I do that ? why does it have to be this way?" etc. Every moment you get more lucid, it makes you frustrated about the times when you aren't. And it makes you feel like you are only living when you are truly lucid, truly awaken. It makes you swear that now you'll only live the lucid life, fully awaken in your consicence of everything that goes. What shit is that... That leads me to a theory, and as I am reading Bergson's philosophy these days, it will connect with that. Bergson made the experience of the mind a time experience. The unfortunate doom of Man is that he is living in time. He always makes the opposition container/contained. Following that idea, Man lives in Time and that's his misfortune. Because he has consciousness of Time, he lives into it, and it makes the happiness impossible, `cause the unity between Man and its world is lost. So for Bergson happiness is a state of grace where everything flows and anticipates the future by its own grace. Because grace is a movement that is so in harmony with its world that it goes all the way, like a prescience, already having traced the path. Sadness is to rely on the past, is to be disconnected with Time, to think of it. So here we come to my mind. I found out how nostalgia is everywhere, how important it is, something that is almost in every tought, like if we were stuck with our history, unconsciously driving us. It makes every new idea a flower of the past. When we have dreams, thinking of those dreams makes us nostalgic, because its like lost worlds, and we can imagine the feeling that we had in those dreams. The fact that it isnt connecting with our awaken life makes it even more like a lost paradise. Childhood impressions do something similar. We lost those impressions, and we idealize it because it was so powerfull in its freshness when it happened. I feel like I am filled with nostalgia...in everything that I do, as if I wasn't abble to leave me to the world, to abandon myself. What a gloomy feeling... So I want to construct the human again, to see it a new way, but all my oldness keeps me from it, but I feel like I can do it, so that makes me even more frustrated to notice that I cannot see everything in some fresh way, except for glimpses. That is so damn frustrating... why do we have to be human?? Is it me not being able to get the good side of it??